Hello. It has been a Long long time since I have graced this deviantart page, and i was quite surprised that I even remembered the email address i was using back then, let alone the password. I always promised myself that I wouldn't become one of 'those' people, who runs off from their deviantart page and makes out that now they have evolved from this site. They always give these grand goodbyes that never make sense entirely. It's almost as though they are transcending into some great beyond that us lowly deviantart folk could not ever must to understand. I assure you, that is far from the truth. It is amazing and scary to see that I had posted some of these pictures 4 years ago. 4 FUCKING YEARS AGO!!!! I know that may not be much time, but to me, it's both an eternity ago, and it is yesterday. In a lot of ways, i am still the same person, and in a lot of ways, I am not the same person. I've overcome some of my childish weaknesses, only to gain some adult weaknesses.
So it turns out that somewhere along the line, I became one of those people who bailed on you all. I had a lot of faithful followers, and some of the greatest art that my eyes have been so blessed as to look upon has all happened on this site. I really hope you can all forgive me. Really I do.
I do have a new deviantart account (that is, if you even remember me or care anymore). I don't think i will take the stuff off this site and put it on my new one. My art then was very personal, and some of it was drenched with painful memories. Since then, people have left, bonds have been broken, new paths have been taken, and those too deserted. I am not the kind of person that likes to return to my place of origin. I find it to be one of the hardest things to do. But I don't want my past to go away either, kind of contradictive. Not to sound like a tremendous hippie, but there is a Pink Floyd lyric that goes "there must have been a door in the wall, when i came in!" and it always frightened me because so much of growing up involves looking behind you and wondering where the hell the door went. You can't return to childhood. You are stuck with what you are now, and you can never go back, or be who you were.
I lost my brother, not with death, but simply by a horrible twist of fate awhile back. I even see him still, but it's not the same. It's not the same with my best friend. She ran off with a boy whom I had been deeply in love with, my muse to most of my writings and art, a person who I respected and held onto his every word, and someone that i had an almost schizophrenic epiphany that he would return to me someday. Well, he did. And it was awful. He was the most uninspired, greedy, and dead version of the boy I had known. He was a meth addict, and everything he had ever told me had been a lie. And I had patiently waited 7 years (many of those years spent creating art for this website and reading books alone in dark low income apartments at odd hours) on this knowing that someday he would show up at my doorstep. The crazy part was that he did. And what happened after changed everything I had ever known and all my relations with everyone, but he was not a good person. Instead of falling in love with me, he fell in love with my best friend. This sounds trivial, but it wasn't at all. For my best friend, it was insane. It shattered little me, and I am still trying to pick up the pieces, long after the fact that I do not care at all or even comprehend how I ever loved him so well. But my friend ran off with him, and I ended up losing her. My brother stopped speaking one day, and my sister grew to resent me. My mother irrationally kicked me out. I had nobody.
From there it has all been a lot of trial and error. Mostly error, I have to admit. I am dealing with mental unwellness at times. At other times I am doing well, and I do not understand that I am even ill at all. Which makes this all quite confusing. Because I am not well endowed, and neither are my parents, getting help is nearly out of the picture, so this only makes life harder.
I think i might be on track, but then again, I always do think that.
If you do like what I am about, and you do find yourself interested in my artwork, please watch blueberryalmondmilk. Remind me that you are watching me and I will watch you right back. I would like to take all of you with me, but i realize that it is not a likely exodus that all of you will readd me. That's okay. I may find you someday.
With great love,
Listening to: Opera
Reading: The Eden Express - Mark Vonnegut
Watching: tumblr is my thing these days
Playing: a college student who just had a nervous breakdown
Eating: cheap unhealthy food
Drinking: whatever comes to these lips of mine